It’s hard to love a son who threatens to kill you.

Life often presents us with conflicts that test our patience and resolve to their very limits. In those instances, I imagine how handy some Jedi mind tricks might be. Sadly, The Force is only imaginary. Happily, however, there is a force we can use to create a protective field around our hearts and minds. I discovered this force during a time of great inner stress and conflict and learned to employ it to protect my heart and mind while allowing them both to remain open. I call this force The Circle of Love.

One of the most challenging periods of my life came while raising my autistic son. By the age of ten, he had developed an explosive temperament. His reactions to frustration were intense—name-calling, threats, and verbal outbursts that mirrored his inner turmoil.

Once, after I denied him the use of his gaming device, he began to scream at me, hurling expletive after expletive. He finally ended with, “If I had a screwdriver, I would stab you in the eye.” Another time, he said, “When I am eighteen, I am going to shoot you, and I won’t even care if I go to jail because you will have deserved it!”

Witnessing his struggle was painful, compounded by the fear that his behavior would isolate him and limit his opportunities. As a father, I felt powerless. I wanted to wave my hand and say in a flat voice, “You do not want to kill me.” But I knew that, unlike Obi-Wan, I had no power to alter the pain and anger my son was focusing on me. These were not isolated incidents; enduring his rants and diatribes lasting 30 to 40 minutes was a frequent occurrence.

My son’s outbursts affected everyone around him, ultimately leading to his placement in a self-contained classroom for emotionally disturbed children. Despite my efforts to discipline or reason with him, nothing seemed to work. His attacks struck deep, leaving me questioning my abilities as a parent and struggling to find a path forward. It took years of suffering through these outbursts before I conceived of The Circle of Love, a mental force field that protects an open heart from emotional attack.

A Shift in Perspective

Seeking a way to help both my son and myself, I began to explore new approaches. The turning point came when I realized that his behavior was not a reflection of my worth or parenting skills but rather an expression of his own internal battles. This shift in perspective allowed me to cultivate a coping strategy I call The Circle of Love—a mindfulness practice that only permits love to flow in or out. Embracing this concept, I found it is rarely best to step outside The Circle of Love.

At its core, The Circle of Love is about loving oneself. It is built on the belief that we are all inherently worthy of love and that we don’t need to internalize negativity or abuse. After all, the purpose of our lives is not to win the approval of others but to do what we believe is right. My son’s hurtful behavior wasn’t based on reality but was instead a tool he was using to express his frustration and attempt to control his environment.

As I practiced mindfully reinterpreting my son’s verbal abuse as a tactic to get his way and not applicable to me as a person, something magical happened.  As long as I stayed within The Circle of Love, I couldn’t be hurt by anything he said because only love passes into the circle. I wouldn’t return anything but love either because that’s what I knew was right. I was modeling for my son how to react to unreasonable people.

Within this space, I became grounded, responding to others not with anger or hate but with compassion and understanding. This mindset helped me remain calm during my son’s outbursts, no longer reactive or controlled by his behavior. Gradually, he abandoned these tactics, recognizing their ineffectiveness. This transformation also kept my heart open, allowing me to love my son even during his most difficult moments.

The Expanding Circle of Interconnection

Applying The Circle of Love to my relationship with my son was just the beginning. I realized that this practice could extend to all areas of my life. But I struggled, as you might imagine, to keep alive the feelings of love and compassion for my fellow human beings. After all, the world is full of daily aggravations, and opportunities for conflict abound. It’s obvious why I need harmony with my son, as he is one of my closest connections, but why should I strive for the same with total strangers? What is my motivation?

Some might find motivation in religion or personal beliefs. For example, Christian doctrine teaches that compassionate love, or charity, is the first and greatest principle of human interaction. For me, inspiration came from a Buddhist principle I learned from the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh, the renowned Zen Buddhist monk and peace activist. He taught the concept of interconnection, the idea that all beings are connected and that our actions affect one another in profound ways. This principle resonated with me and deepened my commitment to stay within The Circle of Love throughout my daily life.

Accepting that I belong to an interconnected whole, I see that without that whole and without my place in the fabric, there would be nothing to belong to. I am an individual with my own emotional reactions, but I am also a member of a family, a community, a society, the human race—a part of the world and ultimately the universe. Interconnection tells me I belong. The Circle of Love is a place where I take full ownership of my own inner emotional space without blame or dependence on the state of those around me. It is how I do my part.

Recognizing Self-Worth and Boundaries

The Circle of Love is a principle of respect for oneself and others, based on healthy boundaries. It only works when I acknowledge that the basic worth of every human being, including myself, is determined internally by each individual. The emotional reactions of others are not a realistic reflection of my self-worth; that comes from within me. I must also recognize that I can only control my own behavior and thoughts. I cannot set, judge, or determine the self-worth of another. Is it right for me to judge what your life is worth? Is it right that you should derive your worth from my assessment of it? Or is it only for you to judge your worth?

I wish for all human beings to hold their worth to be high and to acknowledge that the worth of others is immeasurable.

With this premise accepted, I strive to stay in The Circle of Love because I want to deepen my sense of interconnectedness and feel more at home within myself. When I succeed in maintaining this mindful perspective, I can enjoy the unfolding of the world around me. I feel connected to the interwoven stories of my neighbors. Every interaction becomes an opportunity to practice compassion and appreciate the intricate web of human effort that enriches our lives.

Practicing Mindfulness in Daily Life

Staying in The Circle of Love is challenging. In my day-to-day life, I often feel annoyance and frustration when the actions of others do not meet my desires or expectations. I may see that person as a tool or a function of my experience, rather than a unique individual worthy of love. To counter this, I developed a mindful practice to help me appreciate my interconnection with the world around me. In stressful situations, I often think about how essential and meaningful the other participants in the moment are to my experience and how I need them as individual, autonomous, and free actors. 

Consider these examples:

  • Shopping

Each item in a store represents the labor and dedication of countless individuals. Consider a simple loaf of bread: farmers cultivate the wheat, millers process the grain, bakers craft the dough, and drivers transport the finished product. Store employees stock the shelves and manage the checkout. But beyond these contributors, it’s the collective patronage of shoppers that sustains this entire system. Without the demand created by numerous customers, such a variety of goods at affordable prices wouldn’t be possible.

By acknowledging these efforts and dependencies, I see fellow shoppers not as obstacles but as essential participants in a shared experience. This awareness fosters patience and gratitude, turning a routine shopping trip into a celebration of human collaboration. For example, I love real Parmigiano Reggiano cheese from Italy. I can’t imagine it being available in the store down the street if others didn’t also crave it. Even if I were a billionaire, if that cheese were unheard of, no amount of money would guarantee I was ever exposed to it.

  • Driving

The act of driving is a marvel of modern engineering, economics, and cooperation. Our cars are the result of advanced technology, designed and assembled by teams of skilled workers using materials sourced from around the world. The complexity of a modern car eclipses even the most ornate creations of the past. Yet, cars are accessible to many because they are produced en masse. It’s the collective demand and patronage of millions that make cars affordable and available.

Similarly, the roads we travel on are built and maintained through shared resources, and traffic systems are designed for communal use. Recognizing that every driver is part of this vast network—and that we rely on each other to make such an intricate system function—transforms driving into an opportunity to appreciate our interconnectedness. This perspective encourages patience and empathy, even in traffic jams, as we understand that we’re all benefiting from and contributing to this complex system.

  • Dining

When we sit down to a meal at a restaurant, we’re partaking in the fruits of a global and communal effort. The food is prepared by chefs who rely on ingredients supplied by farmers, fishermen, and distributors. The ambiance is created by staff who attend to our needs. However, none of this would be sustainable without other patrons. Restaurants thrive on the collective patronage of their customers; it’s the steady flow of diners that allows them to operate and offer a variety of cuisines at reasonable prices.

By mindfully acknowledging the roles of both providers and fellow diners, eating out becomes more than satisfying hunger—it becomes an act of gratitude for the collaborative human endeavor that brings nourishment and joy to our tables.

By contemplating these connections, we begin to see the beauty of the world and the social net we belong to. We realize that our experiences are enriched not just by the efforts of those who produce goods and services but also by those who consume them alongside us. This awareness guides us toward more compassionate and empathetic actions. If we crave belonging and fulfillment, few means of achieving it are better than the practice of remaining in The Circle of Love and mindfully contemplating interconnectedness.

The Science of Mindfulness

This type of mindfulness has tangible benefits, as research shows. Dr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz, in The Mind and the Brain, demonstrates how mindfulness can rewire the brain through neuroplasticity. By consciously directing our thoughts, we can reshape our brain’s pathways, reducing activity in areas associated with fear and increasing resilience. This leads to profound personal change and a more peaceful existence.

Similarly, Paul J. Zak’s The Moral Molecule highlights how acts of love and trust increase oxytocin, the “bonding hormone.” Positive interactions, especially those grounded in empathy and compassion, enhance oxytocin levels, fostering deeper connections with others. When we center our actions within The Circle of Love, we strengthen these bonds, enriching our relationships and overall well-being.

The Health Benefits of Reducing Anger and Stress

Practicing techniques like the Circle of Love not only fosters emotional well-being but also has profound physical health benefits. Chronic anger, frustration, and stress are significant risk factors for heart disease—the silent killer—and are linked to high blood pressure. Elevated blood pressure increases the risk of numerous conditions, including type 2 diabetes and Alzheimer’s disease. By embracing mindfulness practices that reduce these negative emotional states, we alleviate stress on our cardiovascular system, promoting heart health and overall longevity.

Mindfulness practices help regulate the body’s stress response by lowering levels of cortisol, the hormone associated with stress. Reduced cortisol levels lead to decreased blood pressure and inflammation, enhancing immune function and reducing the risk of chronic diseases. Regular mindfulness meditation has been shown to improve insulin sensitivity and glucose metabolism, essential factors in preventing type 2 diabetes. Additionally, by promoting relaxation and reducing stress, mindfulness can support cognitive health and potentially delay the onset of neurodegenerative diseases like Alzheimer’s.

By integrating the Circle of Love into our daily lives, we not only enrich our emotional and relational experiences but also contribute significantly to our physical health and well-being. This practice fosters a more relaxed and confident demeanor, enhancing both mental clarity and bodily health. Recognizing the interconnectedness of our emotional and physical states underscores the importance of mindfulness as a holistic approach to a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Balancing Compassion with Boundaries

While love and compassion guide my actions, maintaining boundaries is equally essential. As a martial artist and practitioner of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, known as “the gentle art,” I’ve learned to balance strength with gentleness. The practice emphasizes control and technique over aggression, allowing one to subdue an opponent without causing harm. This mirrors the principle of The Circle of Love: being assertive without being hostile. When you belong to a family, you can’t always avoid conflict, but if you need to engage, do so with the least harm to your loved one and your relationship.

Protecting one’s values and safety is crucial. Seeking peace doesn’t mean compromising self-respect or allowing others to overstep boundaries. If those boundaries are crossed, it’s acceptable to address the situation assertively, even if it requires firm action. The key is to respond without malice, keeping The Circle of Love intact by handling conflicts skillfully and compassionately.

Embracing Mindful Practices

By shifting our mindset toward interconnection and compassion, we create a ripple effect, fostering peace and understanding in our interactions. It’s not always easy to stay in this zone, but various mindfulness practices can help us become more patient, thoughtful, and skillful in handling adverse conditions. Here are some mindfulness practices to help cultivate The Circle of Love in everyday life:

1. Mindful Breathing

Practical Guidance: Find a quiet space and sit comfortably. Close your eyes and focus on your breath. Inhale slowly through your nose, feeling the air fill your lungs. Exhale gently through your mouth. If your mind wanders, gently bring your focus back to your breath. Practice this for 5–10 minutes daily to reduce stress and prepare for compassionate interactions.

2. Gratitude Journaling

Practical Guidance: Each evening, write down three things you’re grateful for that day. They can be simple, like a warm cup of tea or a kind word from a colleague. Reflecting on positive experiences shifts your focus from scarcity to abundance, fostering appreciation and contentment.

3. Active Listening

Practical Guidance: In your next conversation, give the speaker your full attention. Put away distractions, make eye contact, and listen without planning your response. Acknowledge their feelings and thoughts without judgment. This deep engagement builds empathy and strengthens relationships.

4. Mindful Observation

Practical Guidance: Take a moment to observe your surroundings. Notice the colors, textures, and sounds around you. Consider the effort behind each object—the craftsmanship of a building, the growth of a tree, the design of a park bench. Recognizing the beauty and interconnectedness enhances your appreciation of the world.

5. Intentional Walking

Practical Guidance: During a walk, focus on the sensation of your feet touching the ground. Feel the movement of your body and the rhythm of your steps. Breathe in the air, notice the environment, and let your thoughts come and go without attachment. This practice grounds you and fosters a meditative state.

6. Loving-Kindness Meditation

Practical Guidance: Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Begin by generating feelings of warmth and kindness toward yourself, repeating phrases like “May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be at peace.” Gradually extend these wishes to others—first to loved ones, then to acquaintances, and even to those with whom you have difficulties. This meditation nurtures compassion and a sense of interconnection.

7. Mindful Eating

Practical Guidance: During meals, eat slowly and savor each bite. Notice the flavors, textures, and aromas of your food. Reflect on the journey of each ingredient—the people who grew, transported, and prepared it. This practice encourages gratitude and a deeper appreciation for the sustenance you receive.

8. Digital Mindfulness

Practical Guidance: Set intentional times to engage with digital devices rather than turning to them impulsively. Before picking up your phone or opening your laptop, pause and ask yourself why you’re doing so. Are you seeking information, connection, or merely distraction? Limit your screen time by scheduling breaks and turning off non-essential notifications. Being mindful of your digital consumption creates space for more meaningful activities and reduces the habit of using devices as a constant escape.

Start small—choose one practice today and observe its impact on your interactions and perspective. If the metaphor of The Circle of Love resonates with you, the next time you’re in conflict with a loved one, remember that only you can determine your worth and love yourself. That is the essence of The Circle of Love. By loving yourself and reflecting only love and compassion to the person you’re in conflict with, you acknowledge that the connection you share is worth more than winning the argument. You can stay in The Circle of Love, and nothing can push you out of it.

Conclusion

If you find yourself constantly frustrated and angry, or in frequent conflict with those around you who are your closest connections it might be time to try The Circle of Love. Remember, The Circle of Love is all about loving yourself and then choosing to give only love and not reflect anger or contempt.  Life’s challenges can feel overwhelming, but through mindful practices like The Circle of Love, we can respond with compassion and resilience. By recognizing our interconnection and striving to act with love, we transform not only our own lives but also contribute to a more connected and considerate world.

Embracing mindfulness is a journey—a continuous effort to return to The Circle of Love, especially when we falter. Together, we can foster a ripple effect of kindness and understanding that touches every aspect of our shared human experience.

I encourage you to embrace The Circle of Love in your own life. Start by remembering that you are worthy of love and deserve kindness and compassion. Try to reflect those attributes to those around you. When you reach a point of conflict remember that love is your guiding principle. Perhaps choose one mindfulness practice from the list and incorporate it into your daily routine. Observe how it affects your interactions and inner peace. Remember, every small step contributes to a more compassionate and interconnected world.

If you are reading this because you are in a verbally or physically abusive relationship, you are not to blame. The Circle of Love is not enough!  Get help! Call The national Domestic Violence helpline at (800)-799-7233

For those interested in exploring these concepts further, consider reading:

  • Thich Nhat Hanh’s The Miracle of Mindfulness—a guide to developing mindfulness and understanding interconnection.
  • Dr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz’s The Mind and the Brain—insights into how mindfulness can rewire the brain and promote personal change.
  • Paul J. Zak’s The Moral Molecule—exploring how oxytocin influences trust and bonding in human relationships.